crossing Lethe (view this story)

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Rep: 21
Chuck Fadely May 23, 2010, 10:27 p.m. permalink

I like this story a lot. Well, actually I like the first guy in this story. The character you open and close with is really powerful and interesting, talking about his father and his homelessness and his demons.

The least interesting person in the piece was the woman staffer at the homeless/art center and I felt like you let her go on too long.

I can't decide whether this would have been a better story with the characters mixed together, rather than the individual vignettes you used. I will say that the long fade to black and silence in between each piece brought the story to a screeching halt and you should have used some kind of sound bridge to tie the chapters together. And you needed to chop out the boring bits of the narratives.

The opening water shots and ringing phone were irrelevant to the story - and the closing phone shot was completely out of place. I think you needed to find images and sounds that foretold the story at the beginning and which closed it out at the end.... the phone didn't work. But the images were really nice and I enjoyed looking at them...

Rep: 2
Emiel Elgersma May 24, 2010, 1:48 a.m. permalink

The story is interesting, and you have some powerful characters, as Chuck said, the first guy has a beautiful story.

The phone idea; I didn't really get - and it looks fake. That is not how people pick up phones.

You missed the title/ introduction of the gray haired guy. But as said, you might want to reduce the number of people in it.

It's a pity that there are some hard cuts in the interviews, maybe you can overlay them with some other footage, like you did in the beginning with the guy painting on the street.

For who is this piece? is it for a news outlet or NGO? I think for a news item it might be a bit too long.

Rep: 0
Submitter
x x May 24, 2010, 9:07 a.m. permalink

Thanks a lot guys. I really appreciate your useful feedback. It will definitely help my future projects.

I think I will re-edit the story to make it shorter and more coherent.

This is my first “proper” mixed media project, and I know there’s still much to learn, but I need to say that this website and the honest feedback you can get here is a great idea and valuable source of information.

@ Emiel: It was made for an NGO.

All the best,
Damian.

Rep: 8
Mike De Sisti May 24, 2010, 9:09 a.m. permalink

Really beautiful shots. I love the nice mix of stills and video with the very creative framing. I do think you could have edited tighter. The character at the beginning had a strong enough story to carry you through. Using him and 1-2 "experts" would have really tightened things up. It looks like you ran out of b-roll at the end. Trust me, I've been there! But perhaps then it's time to think about trimming. I took a lot of nice ideas away from this one though.

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