Family Values (view this story)

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Rep: 91
Peter Huoppi March 30, 2012, 9:22 a.m. permalink

There are a lot of fantastic parts in this story. The ringtone at the end made me laugh out loud, and I loved the juxtaposition in the beginning of the church and the hunting.
I have mixed feeling about the opening. I like the setup of the good Christian family in church and the surprise reveal of the fact that the story is all about hunting, but I think this comes a little too far into the piece. We're one third of the way in before we get to the hunting. I'd trim a little from the start. Maybe open with a visual of the church service and the quote "we try to live a good honest Christian life..." The preceding quote, while it displays nice emotion, feels tacked on and doesn't seem to flow with the rest.
The visuals and the natural sound in he middle part are great. I think maybe there are a few of the close-ups and portrait-type shots that feel a little forced, as if you didn't have more compelling visuals to use, but overall I like this part a lot.
You have a good beginning and middle, and a funny kicker, but I think the story needs an end. I'm left wondering about the game preserve. Has it been successful? What does the future hold? I think one or two quotes along these lines would have completed the story.
For your second project ever, I think you're in a great place. Work on focusing your story a little bit, with a strong opening and a good ending.

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