Foreclosure evictions lead to protest and arrests (view this story)

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Rep: 20
Will Yurman June 16, 2010, 11:04 a.m. permalink

Hey Chuck,
Pretty compelling story. Great job of finding Brandy Young - she's so soft spoken she's a little hard to hear, but that soft voice is really gripping.

I'm not sure I found the story rushed as you suggest, but it felt a little choppy.

Young's voice at the beginning is really gripping but it feels so out of context to what comes next - the protest, the eviction, the crazy energy.
I wonder about flipping it - start with the series of images of the eviction - the changing of the locks, the eviction notice, the locking of the door. And end with Ms. Young...her quiet voice would be a nice way to end I think.

Just my two cents, but I wonder if it might not help with your feeling of the story being rushed.

nice job.

Rep: 38
Kevin Wellenius June 16, 2010, 11:33 a.m. permalink

Strong piece; tight and clear, and on deadline.

At one level, the most important job of any piece is to show something new, or something familiar in a new way. This piece made me realize that some folks are evicted even though their landlord -- not them -- didn't make their payments. Perhaps I should have known this already, but I didn't until seeing this piece. That's valuable.

I don't think it's rushed. Right now your elements are (a) the fact of the Liberty City evictions; (b) the introduction of affected individuals; and (c) the community reaction. The basic story is simple, so I don't see making it longer just to change the pacing. I bet Will is right: the abruptness probably comes from the energy dropping off sharply at the end.

The changing of the lock, with the worker confirming the room was locked, is a really strong scene; very final. I'm wondering what if you show that, cut to black, and then fade Brandy back in saying she doesn't know what she's going to do, and have that be the closer. The opener could be Brandy discussing all her possessions being gone, including the baby's crib and the mattress.

-Kevin

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