LIFE STORIES: Putting His Mouth Where His Heart Is (view this story)

3 comments - Login to comment

Rep: 33
Adam Wisneski Jan. 5, 2011, 9:46 p.m. permalink

Hi Phil, 

I liked this story. Looks like you turned it around quickly, but it really has great narrative elements. I like the beginning, and the "reveal" of hearing about this guy's reputation before I saw him. It was a nice build up. I thought you handled explaining the story well, giving me info on how he became disabled, as well as including some interesting facts about how he started this disabled sailing program. 

I didn't get bored, or start to wonder when it was ending or anything like that. 

There were a couple quotes that felt repetitive. I think he says "i feel free" and it "changed my life" about three times. I thought if you wanted to cut down on dialogue that would be a place to cut. 

All together, you had nice surprises that kept me engaged and wanting to know what was next. Surprises for me were, seeing the guy at the beginning, seeing how he got in the boat, seeing how he controlled it, and finally, hearing that he started this club for other disabled sailors. As soon as I wondered something while watching, you were there to answer it. 

I really enjoyed this. Your work is great. 

Rep: 14
Phil Carpenter Jan. 6, 2011, 5:07 p.m. permalink

Thank you Adam.  Means much.  Happy you think the structure worked to help the surprises!

Rep: 48
Pat Shannahan Jan. 10, 2011, 8:14 a.m. permalink

Cool story. I like how you structured the story. It kept me interested throughout the piece. I agreed with Adam about the surprises that kept me engaged. I'm not sure you needed to cut back to the interview video so often. I liked seeing him on the boat.

Nice work,

Login to comment

Likes1 like

You must be logged in to like this story

Others who like this