Mesa's Diving Lady (view this story)

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Rep: 444
Eric Seals May 26, 2011, 6:59 p.m. permalink

Hi Tim,

I thought the voice over work you did was good but I was expecting more narration than I heard to be honest.
I watched it a few times and there were voice overs at the very beginning and the end. I think to have effective narration you need more of it mainly to help tighten the over all length of the piece, advance the story and with good transcription and scripting you're able to say (with better and more succinct writing) what those guys in the piece take a long time to say.

I like your shooting, the details and overall look of this piece.  The video quality was very nice.  I've never used the JVC 110, I'm a Panasonic hvx200 guy but looking online at your camera it seems like a good camera to have. Seems much heavier and longer than what I use, do you find it easy to work with?

It was very interesting watching this and seeing the process involved in neon, very cool!! :-)

A few things I wanted to add; 

1. Your opening.  I think starting off with building suspense on what they are doing for example, painting of her face (like in the above picture) or creating the neon glass tube with audio of them talking up what "she" means etc is better than starting with a voice over and a picture that for an outsider I have no idea what I'm looking at.  I wonder if there are more pictures of it broken into pieces on the ground that you could of had access to like the crowd around it, the clean up etc that you could of used to take us back to what a mess this was and the long hard job these guys were about get into.

2. Your ending. I feel ending on a talking head at anytime isn't good unless it involves some emotion or it is very compelling that it really requires it.  Perhaps when he says "something you never forget seeing" you end with that audio and cover it with a nice overall of them working on it, etc then fade to black.

3.  Interviewing. Your sound was top notch as was the interviewing but I can't help but think how cool it would of been to of had Larry lit well in a dark room with the glow of all that neon in the background.

4. I love some of the transitions and nat sound breaks you had in this as well. The part at the :58 mark was really nice with the torch and the sound of it.

Just think about selling me in the first 10 to 15 seconds, bring me into this piece from the first second, hold my interest, use your narration to say better and quicker than what some of the guys say.

Nice job Tim!

Eric

Rep: 21
Peg Achterman May 30, 2011, 10:08 a.m. permalink

Agree with Eric here on all fronts. Just from a cinematic view there are are couple of places where you crossed axis (:49) and jumped (1:02). It could use some tightening up - a bit long - but I appreciate that you seem to have gone back to the site to get progress along the way?

I was a little distracted by the pans in a few places. I'm guessing you're a great still photog - just let yourself have that -- frame up a nice still-like shot and then let the action move within it. 
Love the story all-in-all.

Rep: 1
Submitter
Tim Hacker June 2, 2011, 1:10 p.m. permalink

Thank you Eric and Peg for the feedback.  The JVC I use is larger than other video cameras papers are using. 

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