PICK ME: Down in the Blueberry Patch (view this story)

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Rep: 91
Peter Huoppi Feb. 13, 2012, 10:17 a.m. permalink

You've got the parts for a good story here, I just think you need to re-work how you present them. It's about 40 seconds before I hear your subject say anything. I was starting to wonder if there was going to be any voice at all. I think the strength of the story is your main character, so I want to hear from him - his struggles and joys - right off the bat. Consider staring with the quote about pictures with knee-high bushes. In fact, ask if you can see those pictures and include them. Connecting the viewer emotionally with your subject will keep people watching. I liked the funny comment at the end.
I think the slower pace and use of natural sound is ok in this piece, but I think you need to spread more of your subject's audio throughout. Create a storyline with a beginning and end to keep pulling me along as a viewer.

Rep: 4
Douglas Imbrogno Feb. 13, 2012, 12:29 p.m. permalink

That's good feedback. I was trying to capture attention initially with just the ambient sound of a West Virginia morning as the blueberry patch customers arrived, but I see what you mean about using the available time to get us connected to the guy who started the business. Thanks!


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