Profile of a Derby Girl (view this story)

3 comments - Login to comment

Rep: 5
Brandon Ross May 20, 2010, 12:37 p.m. permalink

Some really nice shots in this piece. I particularly love the skates at 2:40 and the closer at 2:58.
Sound is very clean.

The beginning is too slow. You almost have to start with some big action shots and sound pops on a story like this. Instead, all we really get is her talking, talking, talking, talking. How about nat sound of the skates on the wood? Whistles blowing? Candid talk?
Overall, I think the long, uninterrupted narrative weighs this piece down. It's tough to listen to someone talk for three minutes straight without a break.

You have some really nice shots in here. You need an audio track that pulls the viewer in.

Just my thoughts. Keep it up!

Rep: 91
Peter Huoppi May 21, 2010, 11:43 a.m. permalink

A few suggestions:
-Start with an image and a piece of sound that pull me in. I became very interested in your character as I listened, but the straight portrait and "my name is..." didn't grab my attention.
-Consider the variety of angles and focal lengths when editing together a series of images. The pictures at :22 and : 32 are too similar to go next to each other. The edit between the next two images, wide to tight, is much more effective.
-It was a little on the long side, and you had some interesting info toward the end - the fact that she's a teacher - that people would miss if they tune out too quickly.
-I liked the ending audio. Very nice quote to wrap it up.

Rep: 0
Marc DeRoberts May 22, 2010, noon permalink

Thanks Brandon and Peter, there is valuable feedback here.

I agree about the opener needing more action, and maybe playing with the order of the sound-bites to put the fact that she's a teacher towards the front. I do have some more ambient audio that would help bring more life to the piece.

I definitely plan on revamping this story and trimming down the length. Were there any clips that stood out to make their way to the chopping block?

Thanks again!

Login to comment


You must be logged in to like this story