Profile of a Derby Girl (view this story)

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Rep: 5
Brandon Ross May 20, 2010, 12:37 p.m. permalink

Some really nice shots in this piece. I particularly love the skates at 2:40 and the closer at 2:58.
Sound is very clean.

The beginning is too slow. You almost have to start with some big action shots and sound pops on a story like this. Instead, all we really get is her talking, talking, talking, talking. How about nat sound of the skates on the wood? Whistles blowing? Candid talk?
Overall, I think the long, uninterrupted narrative weighs this piece down. It's tough to listen to someone talk for three minutes straight without a break.

You have some really nice shots in here. You need an audio track that pulls the viewer in.

Just my thoughts. Keep it up!

Rep: 91
Peter Huoppi May 21, 2010, 11:43 a.m. permalink

A few suggestions:
-Start with an image and a piece of sound that pull me in. I became very interested in your character as I listened, but the straight portrait and "my name is..." didn't grab my attention.
-Consider the variety of angles and focal lengths when editing together a series of images. The pictures at :22 and : 32 are too similar to go next to each other. The edit between the next two images, wide to tight, is much more effective.
-It was a little on the long side, and you had some interesting info toward the end - the fact that she's a teacher - that people would miss if they tune out too quickly.
-I liked the ending audio. Very nice quote to wrap it up.

Rep: 0
Submitter
Marc DeRoberts May 22, 2010, noon permalink

Thanks Brandon and Peter, there is valuable feedback here.

I agree about the opener needing more action, and maybe playing with the order of the sound-bites to put the fact that she's a teacher towards the front. I do have some more ambient audio that would help bring more life to the piece.

I definitely plan on revamping this story and trimming down the length. Were there any clips that stood out to make their way to the chopping block?

Thanks again!

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