Slamming (view this story)

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Rep: 444
Eric Seals June 7, 2012, 6:17 p.m. permalink

Hi Mahala,


That was nice to watch!! Well shot, edited great audio, short video and with Kayla as the theme kept me interested.  

I especially loved the poem about a friend of hers who committed suicide while she was in Africa, you could tell that was hard for her and glad she backed that up by saying it.
I wanted more of that poem and why it was so tough for her to write that, does it help her heal from the loss and/or does she think sharing it with others in a poem is helpful to them??

Loved the build up to Kayla with the nice visuals, quick cuts etc but I think the strongest part was Kayla and having her up closer to the front instead of bringing her in after the 1 minute mark would of helped me get to know her more, connect with her, etc.

Your narration was really good.  I loved how it wasn't to wordy or long winded "It's poetry but it's also a battle"  PERFECT!!!

More visual variety throughout would have been nice.  When I think of slams I think of the frantic, fast paced action on the stage more specifically of the mouth to the mic saying and sometimes spraying their words at that fast pace.  Shooting tight from various angles would of given off that kind of feel.  Imagine collecting lots of b-roll of various lips to mic and putting together a cool sequence of that with hands point, thrusting in the air.  Great way to start this off, get us hooked.

Great job!  

Eric 


Rep: 5
Steve Saldivar June 10, 2012, 6:21 a.m. permalink

Mahala, 


I totally agree with Eric. The narration was fantastic. You said just enough to hook me and give me the right amount of information. You've condensed the story to conflict, "a battle." 

I thought the piece ended abruptly. We leave Kayla while she's still performing. We leave the video while still trying to catch what she's saying. I would rethink your ending slightly. Try ending it audience clapping, or Kayla saying something particularly touching from the interview with a shot of those well lit lights on the wall or city shots you have.

Great piece Mahala! 

Rep: 7
Submitter
Mahala Gaylord June 18, 2012, 8:27 a.m. permalink

Thanks for all the advice guys. Makes me want to go shoot it over again. I new after shooting it that I hadn't shot a lot of the b-roll the way I wanted to, a result of not doing any pre-planning. I really like your idea of a tight sequence of lips and mics and hands Eric-- wish I had that. 


As to bringing in Kayla sooner and including more of her story, I sometimes wonder if I focus too much on keeping videos short and to the point and maybe lose some of that narrative that would help draw people in. 

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